A British woman found that the man she married for two decades had a secret life
Experts are still debating if they really exist sex addictionBut in fact, compulsive sexual behavior greatly affects the lives of many people.
Sangita Myska, a BBC reporter, has interviewed many of them.
This is the case for a woman in England who discovered, after 20 years of marriage, that her husband has a secret life.
I always thought that I had a very normal marriage. We have been together for several years before we got married, we have two decades married and we have children.
My husband is a successful businessman who often travels to work, so I spend a lot of time alone, raising children, but he goes home every weekend.
Simply put I assume that is a very normal relationship. He always looks happy while at home. I don't know what really happened.
But one day I had to go to his office to look for something on his desk and open his laptop. I have never checked it before but the screen shows an email and I see one that shows a reservation for a hotel in London, for the day after the date when I plan to go on vacation with some friends.
I thought: "That's kind of weird, Why do you have a hotel room that has been booked?"It feels strange. I can't understand it.
I spent all day thinking about it. At night, when I am in bed, I cannot get out of my head. So I gathered courage and asked why he booked the hotel. And he did not respond.
Silence told me that something was very wrong. It seems like eternity is gone. After what feels like half an hour – I suspect that they might be two minutes – I got up and said, "What happened?"
I can't remember the exact words but he only He said he was sorry and he saw someone; At that moment, I grabbed my robe and went down the stairs. I can't stay in the same room. And I cry.
Finally he descended the stairs, sat in front of me and said how sorry he was. He told me I started going to the strip club a while ago and I have met a dancer at one of the clubs and who had booked a room to meet him, to deepen the relationship.
There I asked if they had sex and he told me no, that it was only tempting but nothing more.
I want to believe it. I think he was really desperate to believe it. I am very angry but there is a part of me that thinks "well, we can finish this. This is only a middle-aged man, a moment of madness. We will handle it."
And because my friends were desperate to join them over the weekend, I thought I would have time to process my thoughts.
I do not tell my friends. I want to save it for myself. Those are very difficult days. I slept very badly. I can't eat Looking back, I'm not sure how I advanced.
When we got home, we talked a lot. There is a lot of crying on my side.
But the fact is that I always felt that it was too coincidental that I had just found an email from a hotel reservation before sexual relations occurred. That's too coincidence.
So I insisted that he look into my eyes and tell me that he did not have sex with this woman, which he could not do. This is about two or three weeks after I found the e-mail.
Then He admitted that there was a sexual relationship and that has happened for several weeks or several months.
I remember seeing the man I met for years thinking: "How can you hide it? How can I not realize that something is wrong?"
I do not understand how the man I know has done what he didHe has been involved in something that doesn't seem to match the character of someone I know.
Nothing made sense, so I went looking for more pain: I started checking all their emails.
I found another hotel booking before the date he gave me. And after returning for a few years, I found that some of the quotes did not match the story of how long I had seen this woman.
The turning point came one day when we were walking around. I just told him: "I have to know everything. I will continue to push and I will continue to push because I don't think I know everything. "
I threatened to look at the bank report and check all their emails. I told him that I really needed to know the truth.
He replied: "Are you sure you want to take this route?" At that moment I thought: "Oh no, there's more to this." But I don't know how devastating it will reveal me.
He told me I have pay for sex prostitutes throughout our marriage. I also see a lot of pornography, sometimes for hours. And it goes to strip clubs, sex clubs and sex theaters when traveling abroad.
Nobody was notified. One or two friends noticed that I was calmer and they asked me if I was okay, but I always had a reason: "I am tired, I do not sleep well, it must be menopause …".
I am ashamed of what happened. I wondered what people would think of when I told them, what they will think about Dan, what they will think about me. I assume that people will judge our marriage and consider it a fake marriage.
I also feel that people will think so it's not good enough for him, not good enough, or pretty sexy.
I have always been a relatively safe person. She is not the type of woman who does nails every week or uses botox. I'm middle-aged, I'm a little overweight, I'm getting older, I have wrinkles, but I think it's normal for my age.
But this really destroyed my pride. I wondered if he was a nice person to be with.
I started using more makeup and made sure he saw me as best I could. I've lost weight because I needed a long time to eat normally again.
I bought some new clothes, went to the hairdresser more often, and I put some botox.
But he also believed there was something wrong with him in the soul: illness. I think I need help and that I need help from me.
When I went to the clinic and they explained to me that their behavior might be a sex addict, I believe and I think: "gEnial, there is a label for this, he is sick. Something is wrong with him"
I want to believe that because I can continue to convince myself that "no, you have nothing to do with it, it will still happen".
But he returned once from a therapy session and told me that he wasn't sure whether it was addicted to sex or just that I have made a bad decision.
I found this very difficult to hear and it affected me for several days.
When we started partner therapy, one thing he said and remembered very clearly was that life before I discovered the truth was like being in a dark tunnel, hiding secrets, and that now he could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I remember looking at him and I thought: "eSo this is good for you, but now I live in total darkness. For me everything is now dark and dark and I have a secret because I cannot tell anyone what happened. "And I feel it's not fair.
I don't want to tell people because I don't want people to judge me. For example, I watched the Ryder Cup a few days ago and I saw Tiger Woods with a girlfriend and I thought people would look at him and think, "Oh, it's a little woman, doormat. Maybe trampling on her. Sex addicts don't respect women. "
People judge … think they know.
In many ways our marriage is better than before -which looks crazy-but we spend months on partner therapy. We are much more open between us.
We talk more and we talk about our feelings, not just about what we have done today or what we have planned. We talk about feelings, good and bad.
There is still a lot of time when I am sick, but I will say that most of the time now I feel that our marriage is balanced and my emotional state is balanced.
Can I forgive him? This is something I have talked to therapists and I really don't know what forgiveness is. I don't think I will forgive him for the pain he caused me, which is very deep. I don't think I can forgive that, but I want to be with him and I love him. And life by his side is good. Is that forgiveness? I do not know
I think in the end we are together well. We are good friends. I still love him and he assures me that he still loves me, that he always loves me.
I also hate that my children know, I will really hate it. I think so they will lose all respect for their father. And my family loves my husband. I think if you know him, you won't believe it. He is not someone who does things like this.
He would be the last person he suspected of being something stupid like he did.
You can listen to the full interview (in English) from Myska Sangita at podcast Addicted to Sex (Addicted to Sex), produced by Sarah Shebbeare.
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